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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator.

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-

“Now THAT’S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!”

The blonde looks perplexed:

“How do you give somebody shoulders?”
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”


“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”
 
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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client.
"Sol, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
Sol replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is
a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
 
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