Since we\'ve been discussing divorce, let\'s talk about what makes a good marriage

[ShoeDiva]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

Very well said.

I also think that as important it is to have alone time with your spouse it is also very important to have your own time. Whether it be a hobby, time out with friends, whatever.

 

[Foxmeister]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

I agree. It's a lot of work. I think it's much easier when each spouse looks at what they can put into the marriage rather than what they can take from it. You can't expect to change your spouse either. A wise person once told me you must look at what you can change about yourself to help make the marriage successful.

 

[Genevieve]

...Which brings me to another point. You need to WANT to be with your spouse. I don't need my husband, I want my husband. I hope that makes sense....

I agree. If you look to God for your needs, then the pressure is off your spouse. Your relationship becomes sweeter for it, and you always know you have an infinite store of riches from which to draw.

 

[Genevieve]

I agree. It's a lot of work. I think it's much easier when each spouse looks at what they can put into the marriage rather than what they can take from it. You can't expect to change your spouse either. A wise person once told me you must look at what you can change about yourself to help make the marriage successful.

Yep. Totally, totally agree. I've found that when I change (for the better--and I've needed to...) my spouse adjusts also--in his own way, far better than I would have forced him to. Iron sharpens iron...

 

[Guard Dad]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

Very well said.

I also think that as important it is to have alone time with your spouse it is also very important to have your own time. Whether it be a hobby, time out with friends, whatever.

Agreed, so long as it's marriage appropriate. It's healthy to have your own hobbies and do things that you enjoy and/or relax you.

 

[unionmom]

Both partners should be more then so, and so's, mom/dad, wife,husband. They should be their own person too.

:CLAP :CLAP :CLAP

I have said time and time again that you can not be a good partner if you can't be good by yourself. A partnership is two whole people coming together, not two halves. If you don't know how to make yourself happy, you can't expect someone else to be able to. I firmly believe that many of the people that leave a marriage because they are "just not happy anymore" will find that the problem more often than not lies with them.

 

[newsjunky]

There's a difference between loving your children more and putting them ahead of everything else all of the time.

I absolutely will not tolerate my children interrupting when my hubby and I are talking and we have time that is just ours but we also both agree that if we ever have to choose between saving the other or saving our children, there is no choice. It would be the kids.

Amen. The kids are helpless when we bring them into this world and they have to come first. At least for a few years. GD, I agree with you about the rest.

 

[Guard Dad]

There's a difference between loving your children more and putting them ahead of everything else all of the time.

I absolutely will not tolerate my children interrupting when my hubby and I are talking and we have time that is just ours but we also both agree that if we ever have to choose between saving the other or saving our children, there is no choice. It would be the kids.

Amen. The kids are helpless when we bring them into this world and they have to come first. At least for a few years. GD, I agree with you about the rest.

I don't think I 'splained my point very well.

Certainly, children need our care and there are times when they must take priority. But your spouse's ranking should not change because you had children. Keep your spouse your partner, your lover, your number one. Together, you brought these children into the world; together you can best raise them (at least if the marriage is healthy). A parent is not doing their children any favors if they put mom or dad in the proverbial back seat.

 

[unionmom]

I think there are many that get confused when this subject comes up. Some people think loving your child(ren) more than your spouse means your spouse becomes low man on the totem pole and the kids run amok. Others think loving your spouse more means that the children are neglected and ignored. There's a HUGE middle ground between the two that seems to often be ignored.

GD ... I do think that my husband and I have moved slightly down the priority list while our children are growing. The big thing though is to remember to continue to support the base structure of the relationship because eventually the children will move on to their own grown up lives and it will be back to just us. I've seen many marriages fall apart when the children leave because over the years the couple has lost their relationship. You can not forget to nurture your relationship continually over the years if you expect it to last.

 

[Guard Dad]

I think there are many that get confused when this subject comes up. Some people think loving your child(ren) more than your spouse means your spouse becomes low man on the totem pole and the kids run amok. Others think loving your spouse more means that the children are neglected and ignored. There's a HUGE middle ground between the two that seems to often be ignored.

GD ... I do think that my husband and I have moved slightly down the priority list while our children are growing. The big thing though is to remember to continue to support the base structure of the relationship because eventually the children will move on to their own grown up lives and it will be back to just us. I've seen many marriages fall apart when the children leave because over the years the couple has lost their relationship. You can not forget to nurture your relationship continually over the years if you expect it to last.

I think some of that is inevitable. But too often, I see the husband put almost totally on the back burner when the kids are small. This invites cheating and causes marriages to fail. At the very least, it causes resentment and fighting. How is that good for the children? Children change things, our schedules are turned upside down, etc. But we can do this and still keep our spouses by our sides in every way. Make time for each other, have date nights, get friends of family to babysit weekly so the two of you can spend time just to yourselves. Keep that bond strong so the two of you can be the best parents possible, supporting each other in decisions, projecting a strong relationship for the children to see. That will help you to be the best parents possible, and also help keep the fires burning for when the children are grown or gone.

 

[unionmom]

While something like kids demands, etc. can be the final push, I absolutely do not excuse, accept, or any other simile cheating. If a person is going to cheat, the final decision to go ahead with it is 100% on them. If the marriage is broken, fix it. If it can't be fixed, get out. Don't show so little respect for your spouse, your family, yourself by cheating.

 

[Guard Dad]

While something like kids demands, etc. can be the final push, I absolutely do not excuse, accept, or any other simile cheating. If a person is going to cheat, the final decision to go ahead with it is 100% on them. If the marriage is broken, fix it. If it can't be fixed, get out. Don't show so little respect for your spouse, your family, yourself by cheating.

Agreed.

But respect for your spouse also means continuing to love him/her as much as you did before the children, making time for them, caring about their needs and wants. We shouldn't put a marriage on hold just because we bring children into it. Certainly it changes things, but husband and wife should still be husband and wife.

 

[Guard Dad]

For the equal time record...I know a marriage where it is the man who has pushed his wife aside because of the children.

 

[unionmom]

Remember that I never said to put the marriage on hold. I even specifically said that you need to keep working on it ... and I also very intentionally was gender non-specific with the cheating comment. Everything we've been talking about can go either way. No doubt.

And you say "continuing to love him/her as much as you did before the children" ... there's no lessening in the amount of love that my husband and I have for each other. Just because we say that we love our children more than each other does not mean that the love we have is any less. I think that is a misconception that some people have ... that you for some reason can't still have the same love for your spouse when you say that you love your children more. Maybe I'm the weird one (shaddap, GD) because I love my children more but don't make them the absolute focus of all of my time and affection ... but I don't think that's the case at all. I think that both sides of this argument tend to look to the extremes to support their side.

 

[Guard Dad]

Gotta drive for awhile, will be back later to continue.

 

[ShoeDiva]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

Very well said.

I also think that as important it is to have alone time with your spouse it is also very important to have your own time. Whether it be a hobby, time out with friends, whatever.

Agreed, so long as it's marriage appropriate. It's healthy to have your own hobbies and do things that you enjoy and/or relax you.

? ? ? Huh? What would not be "marriage appropriate?" If you are married I would say you aren't out dating, (< not marriage appropriate) otherwise I would think anything would be fine.

 

[ShoeDiva]

Remember that I never said to put the marriage on hold. I even specifically said that you need to keep working on it ... and I also very intentionally was gender non-specific with the cheating comment. Everything we've been talking about can go either way. No doubt.

And you say "continuing to love him/her as much as you did before the children" ... there's no lessening in the amount of love that my husband and I have for each other. Just because we say that we love our children more than each other does not mean that the love we have is any less. I think that is a misconception that some people have ... that you for some reason can't still have the same love for your spouse when you say that you love your children more. Maybe I'm the weird one (shaddap, GD) because I love my children more but don't make them the absolute focus of all of my time and affection ... but I don't think that's the case at all. I think that both sides of this argument tend to look to the extremes to support their side.

I agree with you.

 

[Guard Dad]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

Very well said.

I also think that as important it is to have alone time with your spouse it is also very important to have your own time. Whether it be a hobby, time out with friends, whatever.

Agreed, so long as it's marriage appropriate. It's healthy to have your own hobbies and do things that you enjoy and/or relax you.

? ? ? Huh? What would not be "marriage appropriate?" If you are married I would say you aren't out dating, (< not marriage appropriate) otherwise I would think anything would be fine.

Oh, I think there are lots of activities a married person should not do. It all just goes back to having respect for your spouse.

 

[ShoeDiva]

Marriage is NOT easy! You take two people from two different backgrounds and place them in a house and they are to turn it into a home, love each other unconditionally, and make it work. I've said for years if something were to happen with this marriage, I don't see myself doing this again. ) that wasn't originally intended to be funny, but I have to admit that it is. Anyway, during the harder times I've always just stepped back and asked myself, would this be better somewhere else, and it wouldn't. I don't require he make me happy 24/7.

Very well said.

I also think that as important it is to have alone time with your spouse it is also very important to have your own time. Whether it be a hobby, time out with friends, whatever.

Agreed, so long as it's marriage appropriate. It's healthy to have your own hobbies and do things that you enjoy and/or relax you.

? ? ? Huh? What would not be "marriage appropriate?" If you are married I would say you aren't out dating, (< not marriage appropriate) otherwise I would think anything would be fine.

Oh, I think there are lots of activities a married person should not do. It all just goes back to having respect for your spouse.

Like??? I can not think of anything you could be thinking is not appropriate.

 

[honeybunny]

The secret to a good marriage is an honest and intimate friendship.

I know it sounds kinda corny and cliche, but even if we were not
romantically involved, my husband and I would still be best friends.