why you got divorced

mei lan

mei lan

Pursuit Driver
OK, since Sadie brought it up in the engagement thread and Callahan said it'd be an ok topic, to those of you who are divorced, what caused the divorce? I've never been married, so I don't have one of those stories, either, but I'll tell you my sister's story. She and my BIL divorced because of his addiction to pornography and refusal to deal with it. She certainly was not without blame in the relationship, and she did things after she left that I cannot defend (and which she now regrets), but the pornography was the central cause. A lot of people think it's no biggie, but I can tell you this - IT IS TO THE WOMAN in the relationship. It is being unfaithful to the wife just as much as having an affair...in fact, it IS having an affair, but it's even more insulting than a regular affair, because it's with persons who don't even exist in real life (either as people, or as the physical beings they are portrayed as due to airbrushing, surgical enhancements, etc.). My BIL filed for divorce because sister had an affair with another guy after she left BIL, but she never would have left if not for the pornography. Sister should have filed for divorce years ago, IMHO. We knew none of this, of course, until afterward. She was too ashamed to tell anyone.
 
Got married way too young; I was 19 she was 16. Moved to Atlanta to find work and lived in a crappy apartment complex. She got into the party scene and went wild and split. She decided about a year later that she made a mistake, but it was too late then.

As mentioned in the other thread, we didn't divorce for about a year because neither of us had the money to pay a lawyer. But when wifey #2 and I got serious, I found the money and got it done.

31 years later....
 
Guard Dad said:
Got married way too young;
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I think this is one of the primary causes for marriages either failing or having difficulties. I was just a TOTALLY different person at 25 than I was at 18. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I could have reasonably gotten married and not made my husband want to murder me when I was about 29. But 18? Lord, have mercy...it would not have been a pretty sight. Now, my mother was 18 when she got married, but as I have told her, those were different times, and that generation was just different. They understood responsibility and commitment far better than following generations.
 
My favorite reason for divorce (that I hear from other people from time to time) is, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore." Riiiiiiiiight. Because marriage is supposed to be just one long honeymoon and roses and happiness every second of every day. And because your every need and want is supposed to be provided by the other person. And when that doesn't happen (because it can never happen because that is not the way life works EVER), he/she finds greener pastures and then we hear the "I love him but I'm not in love with him" justification. As a great old Clay Walker song says, "what you gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through?" And it will, my friend. It will.
 
mei lan said:
Guard Dad said:
Got married way too young;
Click to expand...

I think this is one of the primary causes for marriages either failing or having difficulties. I was just a TOTALLY different person at 25 than I was at 18. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I could have reasonably gotten married and not made my husband want to murder me when I was about 29. But 18? Lord, have mercy...it would not have been a pretty sight. Now, my mother was 18 when she got married, but as I have told her, those were different times, and that generation was just different. They understood responsibility and commitment far better than following generations.
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Oh, I was too. Honestly, I didn't grow up until I became a father. Little baby girls can change a man for the better.
 
Guard Dad said:
mei lan said:
Guard Dad said:
Got married way too young;
Click to expand...

I think this is one of the primary causes for marriages either failing or having difficulties. I was just a TOTALLY different person at 25 than I was at 18. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I could have reasonably gotten married and not made my husband want to murder me when I was about 29. But 18? Lord, have mercy...it would not have been a pretty sight. Now, my mother was 18 when she got married, but as I have told her, those were different times, and that generation was just different. They understood responsibility and commitment far better than following generations.
Click to expand...

Oh, I was too. Honestly, I didn't grow up until I became a father. Little baby girls can change a man for the better.
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That's what my Daddy said. :)
 
mei lan said:
My favorite reason for divorce (that I hear from other people from time to time) is, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore." Riiiiiiiiight. Because marriage is supposed to be just one long honeymoon and roses and happiness every second of every day. And because your every need and want is supposed to be provided by the other person. And when that doesn't happen (because it can never happen because that is not the way life works EVER), he/she finds greener pastures and then we hear the "I love him but I'm not in love with him" justification. As a great old Clay Walker song says, "what you gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through?" And it will, my friend. It will.
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Exactly!
 
I think a couple need to be equally yoked. They need to realize that love doesn't mean everything is going to be "peaches and cream." There will be disagreements and it's how you handle yourself during those disagreements that counts. If you love him/her, you must also RESPECT him/her. You can't love someone without respecting them. You have to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and finances. When you make decisions together, then stick with the decision; don't just go ahead and change it without consulting the other person (the respect thing again).
 
I hate to say it, but I've been divorced twice. I'm not sure where to start so I'll say this. First, do not marry someone you don't love. It makes for a miserable life. The first is the mother of my children and I haven't spoken to her or seen her in seven years, at least. My children understand now that they are grown and have seen things for themselves. We do not discuss her at all.

My second wife was my trophy wife. Beautiful, charming and dumb as a bucket of rocks. Absolutely clueless. Ten years after the fact, I still get calls from collectors looking for her. When we divorced, all I wanted was my dog. She got custody by agreement. A few years later, I got my girl back. She was scared, sick and starving. She is great now but that is unforgivable to me. I have no contact with my second either, but we didn't have children, so it's NBD.
 
Callahan said:
I hate to say it, but I've been divorced twice. I'm not sure where to start so I'll say this. First, do not marry someone you don't love. It makes for a miserable life. The first is the mother of my children and I haven't spoken to her or seen her in seven years, at least. My children understand now that they are grown and have seen things for themselves. We do not discuss her at all.

My second wife was my trophy wife. Beautiful, charming and dumb as a bucket of rocks. Absolutely clueless. Ten years after the fact, I still get calls from collectors looking for her. When we divorced, all I wanted was my dog. She got custody by agreement. A few years later, I got my girl back. She was scared, sick and starving. She is great now but that is unforgivable to me. I have no contact with my second either, but we didn't have children, so it's NBD.
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I really hate to say this, but I've been divorced three times now. The first one waited until the day after we got married to tell me she didn't want to be married to a LEO. She kept trying to change me into somebody else until we seperated 8 yrs later. The second one cheated on me with her OB/GYN (no kidding, must have been some exam) and they are now married to each other. The last one; I have no idea what came over her. She moved out while I was in Michigan for a long weekend. I never saw it coming.
 
Got married at 18.... Still married . I do kick him to the guest bed when his night noises get out of control
 
Do any of you think (the multiple divorcees) that you just rushed out of one to another and that is why it did not work again? Also, were you required to do marriage counseling prior to any of your marriages? I (personally) believe that helped us out in the beginning and actually through many years. I was nervous of marrying so young (20), but I knew without a doubt B was who I was to marry and to commit my whole life to. So far it has worked. ;) We do argue over things, but actually it is the little things that we will disagree on. In 19 years the things that really matter we have always agreed or compromised to make it work.
 
Husband #1 was a deadbeat. I was attracted to him for all the wrong reasons. Shortly after we married he became an alcoholic and then the abuse started. I didn't divorce him for a loooong time cuz I kept praying for him and hoping God would change him. I came home one day to find a note, telling me he'd left, taped to the kitchen cabinet. Next day I bought new locks for the house at Home Depot and divorce paperwork at Office Depot. He called me two weeks later and said he was coming home. I told him he had no home anymore, the locks were changed and he could move in with his mama if he wanted a roof over his head.

His mama is still supporting his lazy arse, instead of me. :D
 
I've never divorced, so I can't relate on that level. I married at 25 after dating for 2 years. We've been married 22 years. It's been a mix of some of the greatest years of my life and some of the worst.

What many of you know who know me personally (and something I rarely discuss on message boards and may never again) is that in real life, I've worked other people's divorces for over 20 years now. The one phrase that makes me absolutely cringe is "I'm just not happy anymore".

As a group, we aren't teaching are children that having children is a life-altering decision and that getting married isn't just another adventure that should always be fun and happy. The things humans do to each other and to children is just unbelievable some days.
 
ShoeDiva said:
Do any of you think (the multiple divorcees) that you just rushed out of one to another and that is why it did not work again? Also, were you required to do marriage counseling prior to any of your marriages? I (personally) believe that helped us out in the beginning and actually through many years. I was nervous of marrying so young (20), but I knew without a doubt B was who I was to marry and to commit my whole life to. So far it has worked. ;) We do argue over things, but actually it is the little things that we will disagree on. In 19 years the things that really matter we have always agreed or compromised to make it work.
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Before I married wife #1, we attended counseling as she was Catholic and the church required it. Once we were married it was like she turned into another person. We were married 8 years when we divorced. It was a year later when I married #2. Things were great, so I thought until I found out she was having an affair. I married #3 six months after divorcing #2. In hindsight, I think that was too soon.

I think God sent me to Afghanistan for several reasons. One of those so I would be gone for an entire year and not able to date. I'm in no hurry to put myself in a committed relationship and being here for a year is good. If I do meet someone, it gives me a year to get to know them through email, Skype and talking on the phone before we actually meet in person. I think that keeps keeps the pressure off. It gives the opportunity to get to know someone on an emotional level without the physcial aspects getting in the way confusing the building of the relationship. If I ever do the marriage thing again, I will definitely know the person a lot better than I believed I knew the other three. Does that make sense?
 
I had no intention of ever getting married again. We waited for almost six years. My mother even told her, two years in, that if she wanted to get married one day she would be better off finding another guy. After we were engaged we discussed our particular situations at length. She wanted "full disclosure", both personal and financial, and I had my deal breakers, too. We didn't even live together after we got married. What I found was what seemed important in my 20's didn't mean squat in my 50's. I went through my former life with my head in the sand and then wondered why I was always getting my butt kicked.
 
Foxmeister said:
ShoeDiva said:
Do any of you think (the multiple divorcees) that you just rushed out of one to another and that is why it did not work again? Also, were you required to do marriage counseling prior to any of your marriages? I (personally) believe that helped us out in the beginning and actually through many years. I was nervous of marrying so young (20), but I knew without a doubt B was who I was to marry and to commit my whole life to. So far it has worked. ;) We do argue over things, but actually it is the little things that we will disagree on. In 19 years the things that really matter we have always agreed or compromised to make it work.
Click to expand...

Before I married wife #1, we attended counseling as she was Catholic and the church required it. Once we were married it was like she turned into another person. We were married 8 years when we divorced. It was a year later when I married #2. Things were great, so I thought until I found out she was having an affair. I married #3 six months after divorcing #2. In hindsight, I think that was too soon.

I think God sent me to Afghanistan for several reasons. One of those so I would be gone for an entire year and not able to date. I'm in no hurry to put myself in a committed relationship and being here for a year is good. If I do meet someone, it gives me a year to get to know them through email, Skype and talking on the phone before we actually meet in person. I think that keeps keeps the pressure off. It gives the opportunity to get to know someone on an emotional level without the physcial aspects getting in the way confusing the building of the relationship. If I ever do the marriage thing again, I will definitely know the person a lot better than I believed I knew the other three. Does that make sense?
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Makes perfect sense. It also gives you time to get to know yourself, at this stage of your life, without the complications of a relationship or someone else to worry about. Enjoy it...this time is just for you! :thumbsup
 
deewee said:
Foxmeister said:
ShoeDiva said:
Do any of you think (the multiple divorcees) that you just rushed out of one to another and that is why it did not work again? Also, were you required to do marriage counseling prior to any of your marriages? I (personally) believe that helped us out in the beginning and actually through many years. I was nervous of marrying so young (20), but I knew without a doubt B was who I was to marry and to commit my whole life to. So far it has worked. ;) We do argue over things, but actually it is the little things that we will disagree on. In 19 years the things that really matter we have always agreed or compromised to make it work.
Click to expand...

Before I married wife #1, we attended counseling as she was Catholic and the church required it. Once we were married it was like she turned into another person. We were married 8 years when we divorced. It was a year later when I married #2. Things were great, so I thought until I found out she was having an affair. I married #3 six months after divorcing #2. In hindsight, I think that was too soon.

I think God sent me to Afghanistan for several reasons. One of those so I would be gone for an entire year and not able to date. I'm in no hurry to put myself in a committed relationship and being here for a year is good. If I do meet someone, it gives me a year to get to know them through email, Skype and talking on the phone before we actually meet in person. I think that keeps keeps the pressure off. It gives the opportunity to get to know someone on an emotional level without the physcial aspects getting in the way confusing the building of the relationship. If I ever do the marriage thing again, I will definitely know the person a lot better than I believed I knew the other three. Does that make sense?
Click to expand...

Makes perfect sense. It also gives you time to get to know yourself, at this stage of your life, without the complications of a relationship or someone else to worry about. Enjoy it...this time is just for you! :thumbsup
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It'll give him time to get the camel fetish out of his system too.
 
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